The anal selfie. Another day in the ER.

Something a little different for you today. Some days you just need a laugh. I wrote this after a hilarious encounter at work……true story……enjoy!

It’s another day at work.

A regular afternoon shift in an urban, community emergency room in Toronto. About three hours in, nothing special so far…. just plodding along. Trying my best to get through another day.

The next chart I grab is a 22 year old male in bed three with “anal pain”. I don’t really think twice about this, take a deep breath, and move slowly towards the room.

Just gotta get through this day.

On the other side of the curtain sits a young man. I greet myself and he reluctantly smiles and says hello. There is an anxious look upon his face. He purses his lips and furrows his forehead. Doesn’t look me directly in the eyes.

It’s the look of someone who is pretty embarrassed about being in the emergency room.

I know it well.

I try to add some levity to the awkwardness of the situation. Smile, pat him on the shoulder and say

“So, what’s going on, man?”

I mean, it’s not awkward for me, this is what I do everyday. But for him, a young male, it’s really difficult to talk about what’s going on…. “down there”.

“Well doc, I’ve got some pain……”

“Mm-hmm….”

“And I think there’s, like, a lump or something.”

“Right. And where is this pain?” I say. Knowing full well where it is. Just trying to see if I can actually get him to talk about it.

“Well doc, it’s like……in my butt.” He whispers the last part.

“Oh really?” I say. I’m completely unsurprised. “I should probably take a look then, shouldn’t I?”

“Sure doc. I thought this was going to happen.”

Now routinely what would happen next is the following….

I would get the patient to lie down on the bed. Face the wall, knees bent. Have them slowly lower their pants. Expose the area of interest. Inspect the area for any signs of inflammation. Feel along the outside for areas of tenderness or masses. Digitally palpate the rectum. Make my diagnosis and treatment plan.

But I didn’t expect the following to happen.

Instead of the procedure above, the young man reaches into his pocket.

Out comes a smart phone.

A couple of clicks later and he hands it over to me. On it is a picture of an anus. Zoomed in really close. Like, really close. As if I was looking into one of those satellite images of a black hole.

This was a first for me.

My first anal selfie.

I was stunned really, and fairly amused. I wasn’t exactly sure what to do next….

I mean, what is the appropriate reaction when someone shows you a zoomed in picture of their anus?!

They didn’t prepare me for this in residency…..

Being the professional that I am, I tried my best to stay composed. Externally anyway.

“Well, whaddya think, doc?”

“Hmm…..” I said. I examine the picture closely without trying to burst out in laughter.

 

“What do I think? Well, firstly……what was the thought process that went into this?”

“At what point does someone think. “Well, this is a good idea. I’ll just take a picture of my own anus and show it to the doctor!””

“How did you actually manage to take that picture? Was it done lying down, legs thrown up high in the air? Or was it a reach underneath kind of thing? From behind?

God forbid….could there have been a selfie stick involved?”

“It’s so perfectly centered in the middle of the screen. This definitely was not the first picture you took. How many pictures did you end up taking? Five? Ten? Fourty? At what point were you satisfied that this was the right shot?”

“Your anus is incredibly well exposed in this picture. How did you manage to get your buttocks spread like that and still take a picture? Was it on a timer?

Oh man, did someone possibly take this picture for you?”

 

I shake myself back into reality.

“Uh….It looks like a hemorrhoid, sir.”

“Really, doc?”

“Yup. But I’m sorry……I’ve got to see the real thing.”

“Awwww man. You sure? Why?”

“Well sir…” I say. Pausing for effect.

Taking a brief moment to fully appreciate the absurdity of the event.

The ridiculous nature of the situations I frequently encounter in the emergency room.

Conversations I have in my professional life that are so bizarre that I find difficult to explain to others.

I continue.

“For all I know, this could be photoshopped.”